It has now been a month since I walked across that stage and received my diploma. I all of a sudden became a doctor. All day long, and ever since May 17th, people have been calling me doctor. My family and friends are and have been telling people that I am a doctor. They have already started asking me questions, and I can even feel their expectation of me. But truth be told, I didn’t then, and I still don’t feel like a doctor.
I feel scared shitless. I feel like I don’t know anything, and I can’t believe that in two weeks, I will start work as a doctor. I will be expected to know things, to do things, to KNOW things. I don’t feel like I know ANYTHING. I am scared that these people, who were so excited to have me in their residency program are going to realize what a huge mistake they made. Most of all, I am scared I am going to hurt, or worse kill a child.
The good news is that I am going to TRY not to let this fear crush me. Rather I am going to TRY to let this fear motivate me. I am going to let it drive me to excellence. I am going to let this fear of you know, not killing someone’s child make me read during the down times at the hospital, when I get home. I am going to let this “oh shit feeling” keep me going when I am tired and frustrated, and when I hit that wall.
So, again, a month after graduation. I am scared, I don’t know anything, but damned if I won’t try. This, I think, is a pretty good attitude because well…my first day at work…is also my first 36 hour shift!
isleyunruh said
Your first day is your first 36 hour shift? They aren’t messing around! And don’t forget the doctor’s secret weapon…that computer they go look stuff up on when they leave the room