Archive for June, 2009

Oh Man!

scared doc

It has now been a month since I walked across that stage and received my diploma. I all of a sudden became a doctor. All day long, and ever since May 17th, people have been calling me doctor. My family and friends are and have been telling people that I am a doctor.  They have already started asking me questions, and I can even feel their expectation of me. But truth be told, I didn’t then, and I still don’t feel like a doctor.

I feel scared shitless. I feel like I don’t know anything, and I can’t believe that in two weeks, I will start work as a doctor. I will be expected to know things, to do things, to KNOW things. I don’t feel like I know ANYTHING. I am scared that these people, who were so excited to have me in their residency program are going to realize what a huge mistake they made.  Most of all, I am scared I am going to hurt, or worse kill a child.

The good news is that I am going to TRY not to let this fear crush me. Rather I am going to TRY to let this fear motivate me. I am going to let it drive me to excellence. I am going to let this fear of you know, not killing someone’s child make me read during the down times at the hospital, when I get home. I am going to let this “oh shit feeling” keep me going when I am tired and frustrated, and when I hit that wall.

So, again, a month after graduation. I am scared, I don’t know anything, but damned if I won’t try. This, I think, is a pretty good attitude because well…my first day at work…is also my first 36 hour shift!

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