Archive for September, 2009

Taking a break

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To anyone who reads this. You may have noticed that I have fallen very very short of my goal of at least writing weekly. Well, rest assured that it is NOT for lack of things to write about. I mean, this month I am in the NICU. I have had babies born with Ambiguous Genitalia, fights with attending about treating a patient in a manner ( with all my years of expertise) that I don’t believe is correct, and to top it all of… catching a baby from a 400lb HIV positive woman, bringing the baby back to life, only to have her mother name her Jazzeria, or Jazzera, or however the heck she spells it. So, yeah, plenty to write about, but not the time to do it well.

See, I am also studying for step 3, something I hate doing. REALLY hate doing. Not because I don’t like reading about medicine. On the contrary, I LOVE reading about medicine. I mean, when I get home from work at night, and I am tired, I love looking on uptodate.com, or one of my books or journal articles, and I love reading about my kids, and trying to figure out what is wrong more about them, learn more about their disease process, and see if there is a better way to treat them. I love, reading and getting ready for rounds in the morning. I love getting those Aha moments, but studying for these board exams is different.  I hate them, they make my chest hurt, and they are stupid. But it is something I have to do. The last one of these I have to take.  And I just want to get it over with so I can continue to focus on what I love. But it takes time, and if I want to only take this test once, I have to give up something for a little bit, and that is going to be this blog.  Just for a while. Then, when I come back, I will be better, and hence this blog will be better.

You know, I just got back from watching Julia and Julia, and it was great, it made me think about me, and my life, and what I love to do. My three loves, running, cooking and medicine. More importantly it made me think of how I like doing these things. I like doing them in the zone.  Does that make sense? Like when I cook, I mean really cook…either for me or for my friends or whoever. When I am making a meal. I love doing it with music playing in the background, and just focusing on what I am doing. I really don’t want to talk to anyone else while I am doing it. I just like being there in my kitchen, and the food, with the music playing, totally absorbed in the food. Then, there is that stress of making it just right, making it great so my friends or family will love it, not just like it, but love it. That stress pushing me to work harder and better to please others and in turn please myself. The same with running, expect for I am only trying to please myself.. My best runs are when I don’t force it. I wake up, and its the perfect morning, and I feel great, and I just go out the door with no expectations and just run. Just me, my music and the streets. Its quiet, no one is watching me, and I am just alone with my thoughts, but all the while there is this adrenaline, pushing me to go faster and further and to always finish strong, stronger than I started. Always stronger then I started. Then there is medicine. But not just medicine. Pediatrics. I come into work and sit at in front of my computer, and I get this data, these otherwise meaningless bunch of numbers, and I put them together to mean something or at least I try. Then, I get to go and see my patients and try to make sense of it all, and do it for them to help them, but also for me, to help me. That drive is still there, this drive to make them happy and well, and in turn doing something special for me, that I can’t put my hands on, but it does something for me. The same way running and cooking do. There is a chaotic peace about it. I mean, it’s stressful, and scary…but, I don’t know, that peaceful aspect is still there. Then I get to come home, do some reading, and then reflect upon it here. Oh, and of course make fun of some things along the way.

So, even though, I am pretty sure there is only one other person out there who reads this, I do this for that one person, and for me. I want to make this a good blog for that person and for me. In order for me to do that, I have to concentrate and get this odious test out of the way, and I will be back. Until then, remember that just because you love chocolate, roses, and the good Lord, it is not ok to name your child, Chocolate Rose From Heaven God.

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