Archive for April, 2010

Being A Doctor is Hard

It seems almost too simple a statement doesn’t it? But it really is. I mean, it is easy to forget just how hard of a road it takes to get here, and the things we deal with and see on a daily basis. How do we keep our humanity? We are in school for a minimum of eight years, that is for those of us who were lucky to get in on our first try. Then we work, we work so damn hard. We lose our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our husbands, our wives. If we, God forbid, get sick, we can’t even take the time off to fully recover because we just have to keep on going. We move our families place after place to get into medical school or we leave our family behind to go to medical school. A loved one dies during the process, and we can’t even really stop to process our emotions, we just keep going, and going. All the time trying not to lose ourselves in the process because at this point it is all we feel we have left. Then, after the grueling process, there is still a good chance you get your heart broken because you didn’t match. You didn’t get accepted in to a residency on your first, second or even third try. But lets say you do, you get your residency, you can’t really get sick during residency because now you are really practicing your craft. This is the time it counts the most, this is the time you have to hone in your craft and study and work like hell because even though at some point you will make a mistake that will inevitably cost someone their life, you want to put that off for as long as you possibly can. Lets not forget that during this process you can still be dealing with the situations above, but now you add depression. Depression because you do lose your patients, because you are so tired and overworked, because you miss what its like to have a normal life. Then, lets say you make it out of residency, you are almost done, and you get to finally do what you have wanted to do for what feels like all of your life. Then what happens? You find out you have some terminal disease.  Being a doctor is hard. The only thing that makes this finishing this journey possible is my faith, my social support, and the fact that I do actually love what I am doing. But dang it’s hard.

You would think that after my long hiatus from my so called monthly blog, I would have something more profound to say. Perhaps talk about my first emotional breakdown on my way home from work in which I just called my best friend and cried. Or the first time I lost a baby. Or hell, my NICU babies named Snow White ( black Female) and Sir Elton John ( black male). I could have, and in fact many times since my last post, I have wanted and started to, but for one reason or another I didn’t. Why now? Because its been a fucking (excuse my language) long winter and in the midst of everything, this is what I took away, and this is what I have to say. People think “oh doctor, must be good” or the many idiots out there who think doctoring is all about the money. Who the hell would go through the above to make money? I mean, really? Money? Prestige? No my friends, even the plastic surgeons who do nothing but boob jobs for stupid stars went through this hell. If that is what they want to do, if that is what they fought this battle to do, then more power to them.

This is an almost angry post, but I am not angry. I am actually just scared. I see things and hear of things that are happening to my fellow war buddies, and I wonder when my turn will be? I don’t let fear stop me, but its like I have this cloud over my head, and I am a little nervous. In a few short months I will be starting my second year as a senior. Then another year and I will be done. What will happen next? Well, I guess when I find out, you will too.

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