Archive for July, 2011

Independence Day

It is only slightly ironic that I am writing this post on July 4th of my 3rd year. The start of one’s real independence from residency. I say that because as a third year pediatric resident, you are expected to start working independently, in my program, this is where you are on night team, supervising your intern and your medical student. You are supposed to have most of the answers. You are supposed to be making that great leap from being a resident to being a solo full fledged on your own doctor. Well, shucks to that! I don’t feel that way at all. I am no where smart enough, confident enough…I am just not ready. And to make matters worse, on this particular independence day is when my eldest sister moved away. Yes, she is on her own (well, with her fiance), making her own trail, advancing her career and in a way (if you knew my family) achieving her own Independence. Well, guess what? I don’t like that either!

Too many changes, too fast, and all of them forcing me to grow up when I don’t feel as though I am ready to, or worse not sure I can. I mean…yeah, its sad. I am almost 30 years old, never been away from home, always, ALWAYS had my sisters and mom by my side, readily available, and have always well, stayed in the smallĀ  pond. Not always a conscious decision on my part, but the way things have always been for me for nearly 30 years, now all of a sudden, things have to go and change! Well I say bullshit! BULLSHIT!!!!!

I know how sad and pathetic this sounds, I know that. I look around me and have thousands of friends who made this change ( or close to it) when they were leaving high school to go to college or medical school, or residency….Well, I never had to. Now, starting my third year, my sister moves away from me, and everyone is asking me what I am going to do next year. I had it, I had it all. I am scared, and I am unsure. I don’t know what will happen. I applied to some fellowships, I am looking at some jobs in the west coast, but who knows what will happen…what if I can’t do it? What if I don’t get any of the fellowships I applied for? That will just make it that much easier to say here and be complacent. I mean, I can do what I want to do for my patients here. There are poor kids here, I can travel internationally here…can’t I? So, why the rush? why the need to leave everything that is near and dear to me? Why the need to see what else is out there? I am perfectly happy here?

Because there is something in my heart saying go out and experience life….maybe every girl needs to leave home to appreciate what they have, maybe there is something better out there? But, I KNOW I have it good here! Yet, I know that I will always be able to come back home…right? RIGHT????!!?

 

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